Without what? as I have been without I don’t know.
Feelings of being so small knowing no one notices me, From an early age I learnt the harshness of adults, Making me feel at once, unwanted, now – unworthy! I was born 10 months after my elder brother Clearly, I was not planned, nor wanted, I know. Playing second fiddle to my older brother Filled me with frustration and certain anger, I was the also ran brother, arriving unwelcomed, Early memories of sexual abuse cast down My feelings of self-esteem – what is that? I was often shy and blushed for no reason, My needs were unmet and love was deprived No one took what I said seriously at all, why? I don’t know. My love of music at an early age spurred me on To ask for a guitar for my birthday to learn on. I was given a plastic toy guitar to play upon. The disappointment of not getting a real one Made me go through the floor and down to hell It was the worst birthday I had ever had. No one took me seriously no matter what I said These were the early days of feeling rejected It is why I take rejection or people saying no to me In a rather difficult way – but I cope steadily. I was ripped away from my best 2 friends at the age of 5 years – the harshness of adults. Because my family decided we were moving I felt a kind of shock like the sky just fell in. School was tolerable apart from the petty rules, But my family were never acceptable to me I knew I was not accepted by them anyway. When I reached about sixteen I discovered poetry I have been scribbling away ever since really. None of my family wanted to read my poems They thought I was going a bit funny so they shunned me, and my poetry. Does a marriage bring with it being wanted? Yes, it does – but I never felt wanted by my wife. It is a feeling I have had to live with all my life Being unwanted, what does this really mean? A 30 year marriage built on sand A precarious existence with many interrogations Accusations - not believing a single word I said, Female friends of mine were tracked down By my ex-partner – but I don’t know why, Because I never knew at the time only years later, Treated with indifference and coldness when The old jealousy got the better of her, 5 years of no affection, no contact – destroys; Living all the time feeling as if some catastrophe Was about to happen – so I had better watch myself In case I cause more reasons for the questions questions questions Wantedness is the cornerstone of my happiness I have yet to feel whether I am being wanted So this causes great sadness. There is a pain that sits neatly in my chest Makes me feel like an unwanted guest. I have anger inside of me under control It never appears publicly It is there just smouldering calmly without relent In private I have displays of anger Shouting until my throat hurts. Some say I am a kind, nice and caring man And then they take advantage of me Thinking I am some kind of mug asking to be done. Feelings of being so small knowing no one notices me, From an early age I learnt the harshness of adults, Making me feel at once, unwanted, now – unworthy!
The dream is not dead It lives in the souls of all men and women Sunlight cascades through our minds In a reality sharper than the keenest knife Deeper than our meaner ways of life Listen to the beat within Sing along with all melodies Tap the happiness existing there Dream the dream to make it more than real.
Make the dream real, live the dream Be the dream as the dream becomes clear. The dream where brother loves brother Sister loves sister, All live in the dream forever Hold hands with your neighbours Love them as you love yourself Let go of the festering self Compress the ego into the smallest box You can imagine bury it in the compost of history.
The dream is not dead So long as you live, so will the dream Make the classic art picture Paint your next dream Become a theatre of joy Be as happy as a sandboy Learn the lessons freely That lie within each and every dream, Remember who you are and why.
Ripples of inner joy, skies filled with noise laughter in the clouds no wonder they gather in crowds
Rays of sun energy shine Into my half closed eyes Rainbows shimmer Blue hues yellow orange red glimmer No mistaking your entrance A sound of nature fills the air As birds call out their messages.
All eyes feel the light tugging them open Prising a spear from the sun Into your retina Into each ear The messages are clear.
Paintbox dreams Evaporate, leaving thin streams The faintest impression Lingers only when you want it to.
Turning the gaze Outside to welcome this new day The merest movement flashes Its brilliance right inside my head.
Watching the shadows Skitting from every corner Meandering across the face of dawn Changing shades into silver lawns.
Knowing the ultraviolets and xray reds Keeping their terrible secrets safe Averting the gaze is irrelevant The dancing petals are jubilant The expanding roots are succulent With the milk that streams from the sky.
Looking for a change in the ranges of light Not wanting it to happen But realising the timeliness of day As I watch the dancing of a sprite. For the day’s cloak has an ending Much the same as a river merging with the sea That glides deliciously on for many miles.
Bringing the shadows out once more My eyes can not deny the slowness The gaze becomes a weariness Sometimes the hours stretch Others will jump into the night Without heed of me or the light.
Welcome to the darkening edges of time To resist is the work of the moon Ours is to look upon The departing day.
The day leaving us to want again, The life The source Of growth of our expectancy From the source From life itself.
Leaving by the back door The night is slinking away It had to withdraw, the rays of the sun held sway The day had dawned.
Wanting to shove the echo Of mammon and skates Into the quagmire of its own making Laughing and forsaking The day had arrived.
Yawning at Newsnight Panorama Listening to the hollow songs That praised the metal shields Of hate death and war I packed my suitcase heart I went seeking a distant shore.
Realising that wood can be shaped Into an infinite variety of people I jammed my spiritual cook book Into every crevice of my case I journeyed for, never looking back I went to meet the Grand Sojourner.
Lifting an eye to the Light, I smiled Into a thousand fragments of love and warmth I slammed the case shut, I strode Into the fading night, looking at the moon I travelled to the deepest part of my mind I wake up for the first time in my life.
Like in Alice in Wonderland a smiling curly-cued Giant caterpillar smoked on top of a mushroom, He rapped on as usual about the music he’d heard, Smoke billowing all about him in trees it’s absurd.
White hot ants danced all around the big fungus To the music, which was turned down too soft, For anyone to hear, but the insects danced in time Remarkable really for they really don’t like music.
Giant lily pads festooned with colourful noisy toads Glided passed my window so close I could touch them The croaking was comical like schoolboys eating lunch, Corn-flake river boats sailed past they were in overload.
A merry go round like carousel was spinning too fast The people on board had to use an extra strong grasp Just to stay on the up and down horses with manic eyes, Let go now immediately into space they would all fly.
Suddenly all at once but gradually I stumbled upon a table With crazy creatures lying about having tea, some unstable Of mind others just crazy, saying things that made little sense A dormouse said – I marvel at his acute Osbert Lancaster
Well, what can I make of that – it isn’t even a sentence. I queried the small creature who promptly went back to sleep “Never mind him” said the Hatter, “ he’s only got a PhD” “Sit you down sir and have some cake or sandwiches or tea”
But I could only see cups and saucers a tea pot full to the brim I asked for milk and sugar and was put off with a fart from a hare “Don’t mind him, he’s just bad mannered he doesn’t really care!” I had enough of this madness, so I left and meekly thanked him.
I was drawn to the man standing next to a white limousine And asked him for a lift to the nearest town which is nearby But not too far to go, the man declined my request it seemed he was unable to drive – he didn’t possess a driving licence.
I thought that was strange for a Chauffeur being unable to drive So I asked him about it – he said he had always wanted to strive For those things he knew he would never be able to do or see I was dumbfounded what is the point of living in a dream.
A white rabbit strolled slowly passed me going at a fast speed I followed him up a long steep tunnel only to be blocked By the backside of a blonde-haired girl falling towards me “Excuse me sir my name is Alice – pleased to meet me”!
In transcendental awareness the key is in the slot, For your aching mind is stretching out towards the lock. Don’t dampen your eyes with suffering of a thousand souls Lift thine eyes to the Universe, fill up those old holes Where now the imagination flowers into love growth.
The despair of darkened minds dance before our eyes You want the tranquillity and peace, so you don’t realise As you listen to your own forebodings, but you are wise Enough to throw away the shopping bags of unwanted tears. Once the world stops spinning we’ll all be too fast to halt.
Sleep the unending sleep and eat the wisest words of all For in slumber we are wakefulness, walking tall, Leaving our shells we journey near and far, forever and never. Don’t leave the ground just float into the colour of your mind, The light shines through in places that might seem too dark.
Whether its Blues blue grass where the grass is seen as greener it’s gotta be said with the feeling because the Blues is here to stay
Whether you like the jazz The rhythm and blues is meaner I don’t care what other people say Cos the Blues just won’t go away.
Whether the skies are turning grey It’s the coolest of summer days I don’t dare to listen to the rap Cos I know da Blues is here to stay.
Whether you are on your killing floor When you are wanting the music more Hold your own guitar firmly all day Because the blues is here to stay.
You woke up this morning in your room Hearing John Lee Hooker boom boom, You will stand up singing and then say Because the blues is here to say.
As I stood in a bar with Howlin’ Wolf Crying to the moon loudly up to the roof My backbone was jingling all the way Because the blues is here to say!
The Rock n Roll came, blasted but cooled Pop explosion hit us when we schooled All kinds of sounds created came our way Never mind, cos the Blues is here to stay!
I cry to the moon, what have I lost and how? It happened so sharply, quickly somehow, I must have taken my eye off the ball I wandered totally out of gear after all.
Did this happen behind my back in a sly way I did not notice what was going on even today, I’ve been done upon in a cruel manner for why? What did I do to make our love from me shy?
A thousand questions I ask of the moon basking in a dark and mysterious sky, I am of the asking having lost a love what have I gained for myself pain, heartache, resentment loathing of my self.
The underhand expression of losing a loved one like the bleeding heart left alone upon a stone, to let the crows devour the meaning of lost love, The moon tried to comfort me, trying from above.
"I talk to the wind but my words are all carried away"** I have heard the song sung from 1969 up to today, the meaning is not lost on me and I know what to say to my lunar friend, saying the words the right way.
** Line taken from song by King Crimson – I talk to the wind”
I’ve swept A hundred paths Of tears and broken leaves, And heaped them Into mounds Under trees, Maybe to go Back to remember Why they had to fall, I won’t ignore The effort spent To clear a path for all.
I’ve dug graves For people Who are still alive And breathing And have sung Their praises Cast petals On the leaving Shadows as the sun Sought its usual retreat From the sky.
Using tools so Tattered and torn Clearing a way Took hours long Longer than expected But what was to be Had to be done now No use to change The order of tears And leaves falling What comes naturally Comes not to us all, No not everyone.
DISSENTERS VOICE 