The drifting dream carries on

Is it a dream?
What I sense it seems
Like the drifting dream that carries on,
Flying over soft fields of buttercup words
Unable to land as yet, it’s absurd.

Dreams drift in and out and can’t settle,
I can see a wooded area where birds rejoice
Their songs fill my mind, it’s my choice,
I can’t join words to their shrills and whistles
But it is as maybe, it is after all a dream.

Sliding over mountains purple without rage
Their majesty projects an unrealistic stage
Who would want to climb every one of them?
There are those who consider themselves to be brave
They would try and try again, their face to save

To prove a kind of recklessness out far
Where with a grizzly bear they would spar
And blood would be their scant reward
What are they to prove, in this sliding dream?
Clouds tinged with the dying light of the day.

They glide into my gaze escape attention I’d say
I mean who notices them or their colour?
at least there is no argument about their sound
For there is none, a factor in their favour
I watch clouds as they drift into my hair

I kiss every facet of them, never is there a spare
Space I leave untouched, not this day.
In cities which drain their feelings,
What do people notice in the clouds, they say
“What clouds? I don’t see any, not at my feet”

As they hurry along never lifting an eye upwards.
Clinging on to gossamer thin wisps of droplets
I hunker down wishing my day was longer yet,
No surprises rise up in the cloudy domains
So disappointment will steadily release the reins.

Damp rows of roses dripping perfume into the air
The water from a tall pink tinted waterfall is there
Talking, as it does, to passing animals and birds
Swathes of yellow daffodils giving up their task
As tulips begin to show how to lower their masks

Lines of soldiers waiting to be taken to hell
In a boat made of past warriors bones which tell
What rain droplets will slowly slide along noses
The men watch them as water falls to the ground
Many dozens of frightened souls not a sound
From anyone, no questions are asked
Only insane Generals barking orders aloud.

Why can’t they walk along paths of roses
Throw away their weapons and uniforms
Naked amongst the bushes could become the norm
When a man takes his life into his own hands
who doesn’t lend it to another, to those insane for power,

Become part of nature and worship the importance
of real nature’s love that grows without interference.
Seeing the point of view from that of clouds drifting
Where questions of the mystical collide with prayer
Revealed to the world as the brightest lights of all

The mind is churning out messages to one and all
Try to capture one if you can
Hold tight keep it in your hand.
In meadows where grass grows the tallest I am surround
Listening as I do to every natural and sensual sound

Dig deep to find the brightest energy escaping around
What satisfaction in this natural place can be found?
Watching as the day starts to dim and shadows abound
Two nude lovers covered in soft red roses
They grasp the scent as their bodies are joined

The natural act of love they display and enjoy
The warmth of the tongue is the language of love
The stiffness of the wand is the gift from above
The wetness of the nest is the sign of the climax
The look upon their faces as at last they relax

Tells a story that can be told a thousand times over
A natural and sensual setting for the naked lovers.
Sweet talk rests softly upon their ears smiles are rich
Declarations of love are exchanged there is no hitch.
They join the drifting dream as it carries on

Thoughts they cannot pretend dance in the fires
Which reveal over and over again their deepest desires,
In warm feelings they melt into the natural vibrations
Upon which all in nature seek their satisfactions,
It’s not only flesh that can ask the right questions

Truth will stride with trust in the darkest hours,
keep your dreams in your hearts reveal only a little
let the strength of determination keep you from unsettled
dreams you have, those to which you are entitled
those to which you deserve, stay only within circles.

What do you want to be realised, listening to a call
that embraces a background of simmering gentleness,
leaving clues being an advocate for the natural oneness
realising our sensuality is vital to our emotional survival;
sitting upon a dune that cascades sand at every second

My mind’s eye goes out to sea and collects my memory,
that persuaded my inner self that there is more to see
than what we think we can perceive, dreams are electric
they are powered up by love and understanding, a trick
that we can all enjoy, every girl and every boy.

Lively are the shadows in the approaching night
Meaninglessness is the verse they wish to recite
I turn my back on it and wait for the following light
With eyes shut the drifting dream carries on.
With ears pricked all sounds are absorbed upon

An instruction from a thousand previous times
When darkness over took meaning and laughed
As it watched the pain taken on by many lovers
Those who were persuaded that paradise can be theirs
If only they would do as they were told, to be spared

Much worse than what was on offer – such is the evil
That comes readily to some without any real effort
It is as easy as taking a breath, controlling without thought
For the consequences to themselves and to others ensnared
With the lies the drama the sneering, with teeth bared

They take a dramatic bite from the inner mind and laugh.
Conclusions confusions and intrusions to the bleeding heart
Is not their concern, nor do they even know this little part.
In times when I feel that I want to collapse into small pieces
Drifting dreams are over head it’s their energy that releases

Pictures of how we really look to others – an alien aspect
For our own perceptions, a different opinion I expect
We receive as an honest description grips our hearts,
We cannot deny it nor do we wish to, not any part
Of the drifting dreams that carry on in to our past.

Future drifting carries weight so fine it is nought
Into every crevice of memory, every hidden word
There is a meaning waiting to be discovered
A drifting dream carries a thousand souls rejoicing,
The sound is powerful and rejects all false choosing

To resist the natural is like creating a dark situation
Where curses dance freely with fine attention
Could they not be knocked down to size at all
How much effort is needed to make them small
Insignificant ants that plague each and every heart,

We cast them aside we rehearse we play the part
We look to the heavens at last in every second
As we see the drifting dream that carries on.

What It Is to Be Without

Without what? as I have been without I don’t know.

Feelings of being so small knowing no one notices me,
From an early age I learnt the harshness of adults,
Making me feel at once, unwanted, now – unworthy!
I was born 10 months after my elder brother
Clearly, I was not planned, nor wanted, I know.
Playing second fiddle to my older brother
Filled me with frustration and certain anger,
I was the also ran brother, arriving unwelcomed,
Early memories of sexual abuse cast down
My feelings of self-esteem – what is that?
I was often shy and blushed for no reason,
My needs were unmet and love was deprived
No one took what I said seriously at all, why?
I don’t know.
My love of music at an early age spurred me on
To ask for a guitar for my birthday to learn on.
I was given a plastic toy guitar to play upon.
The disappointment of not getting a real one
Made me go through the floor and down to hell
It was the worst birthday I had ever had.
No one took me seriously no matter what I said
These were the early days of feeling rejected
It is why I take rejection or people saying no to me
In a rather difficult way – but I cope steadily.
I was ripped away from my best 2 friends
at the age of 5 years – the harshness of adults.
Because my family decided we were moving
I felt a kind of shock like the sky just fell in.
School was tolerable apart from the petty rules,
But my family were never acceptable to me
I knew I was not accepted by them anyway.
When I reached about sixteen I discovered poetry
I have been scribbling away ever since really.
None of my family wanted to read my poems
They thought I was going a bit funny
so they shunned me, and my poetry.
Does a marriage bring with it being wanted?
Yes, it does – but I never felt wanted by my wife.
It is a feeling I have had to live with all my life
Being unwanted, what does this really mean?
A 30 year marriage built on sand
A precarious existence with many interrogations
Accusations - not believing a single word I said,
Female friends of mine were tracked down
By my ex-partner – but I don’t know why,
Because I never knew at the time only years later,
Treated with indifference and coldness when
The old jealousy got the better of her,
5 years of no affection, no contact – destroys;
Living all the time feeling as if some catastrophe
Was about to happen – so I had better watch myself
In case I cause more reasons for the questions questions questions
Wantedness is the cornerstone of my happiness
I have yet to feel whether I am being wanted
So this causes great sadness.
There is a pain that sits neatly in my chest
Makes me feel like an unwanted guest.
I have anger inside of me under control
It never appears publicly
It is there just smouldering calmly without relent
In private I have displays of anger
Shouting until my throat hurts.
Some say I am a kind, nice and caring man
And then they take advantage of me
Thinking I am some kind of mug asking to be done.
Feelings of being so small knowing no one notices me,
From an early age I learnt the harshness of adults,
Making me feel at once, unwanted, now – unworthy!

The Caterpillar Smoked

Like in Alice in Wonderland a smiling curly-cued
Giant caterpillar smoked on top of a mushroom,
He rapped on as usual about the music he’d heard,
Smoke billowing all about him in trees it’s absurd.

White hot ants danced all around the big fungus
To the music, which was turned down too soft,
For anyone to hear, but the insects danced in time
Remarkable really for they really don’t like music.

Giant lily pads festooned with colourful noisy toads
Glided passed my window so close I could touch them
The croaking was comical like schoolboys eating lunch,
Corn-flake river boats sailed past they were in overload.

A merry go round like carousel was spinning too fast
The people on board had to use an extra strong grasp
Just to stay on the up and down horses with manic eyes,
Let go now immediately into space they would all fly.

Suddenly all at once but gradually I stumbled upon a table
With crazy creatures lying about having tea, some unstable
Of mind others just crazy, saying things that made little sense
A dormouse said – I marvel at his acute Osbert Lancaster

Well, what can I make of that – it isn’t even a sentence.
I queried the small creature who promptly went back to sleep
“Never mind him” said the Hatter, “ he’s only got a PhD”
“Sit you down sir and have some cake or sandwiches or tea”

But I could only see cups and saucers a tea pot full to the brim
I asked for milk and sugar and was put off with a fart from a hare
“Don’t mind him, he’s just bad mannered he doesn’t really care!”
I had enough of this madness, so I left and meekly thanked him.

I was drawn to the man standing next to a white limousine
And asked him for a lift to the nearest town which is nearby
But not too far to go, the man declined my request it seemed
he was unable to drive – he didn’t possess a driving licence.

I thought that was strange for a Chauffeur being unable to drive
So I asked him about it – he said he had always wanted to strive
For those things he knew he would never be able to do or see
I was dumbfounded what is the point of living in a dream.

A white rabbit strolled slowly passed me going at a fast speed
I followed him up a long steep tunnel only to be blocked
By the backside of a blonde-haired girl falling towards me
“Excuse me sir my name is Alice – pleased to meet me”!

Strands of Words

There are strands of words I put together at random,
Now I discover there are some spaces between them,
The spaces are filled with music that I did not put there,
Beautiful music from where I know not but somewhere.

There are strings of sentences I manage to combine,
Each ending with a sigh only audible every time
When I breathe inwards collecting the sense of them,
But what meaning in between can be revealed then?

There are small paragraphs I have crafted this night,
That seek only to reveal the brightest of bright light,
What purpose is the meaning when revealing happens,
Is it a joke, a phrase to ridicule what comes from my pen.

There are longer paragraphs potted with words too sound
To be dismissed like a cavalier wave of your hand,
What can I do I am sitting at the beginning of this page
Looking about me for meanings – this could take an age.

There are pages of words swimming around in pools of blood
That have sweated all the droplets from me – a real flood
Of words, phrases, holding the knives for someone’s back,
Ready am I to shove the blades right in so life is lack.

There are chapters of my life that I wish to happily discard
But I warn myself – life is hard enough but to be this hard?
What is the purpose over creating mountains to climb,
Am I to boast to all and sundry that this work is all mine?

There are books I have in my hand all of them incomplete
Why bother starting another one when I know I will defeat
The very reason why only my words are to be displayed;
Do I conjure a pattern or words only to have them slayed?

There are libraries full of books that I will never read
Nor ever know most of the titles or authors indeed,
This is the paradox, how could I have met these words
And not understood a single one, this is too absurd!

There are streets of libraries but I have ignored them all
I will use my own words – I write them no matter how small
The meaning or how great – to stir the mind into action,
My laurels I have rested too long for my satisfaction.

Well Hidden

I hide my light under a bushel
For I do not exist
One day I will desist
I am in my tortoise shell
Moving slowly as hell
I refuse to put my head above ground
I move around slowly without a sound,
I did not say anything today
Tomorrow I won’t say much anyway,
There is a rhythm to be hidden from view
I look for it always or for something new
But it is well hidden
No light now and then
Could shine upon this nothing space
It isn’t as if I am in some kind of race
Did I pick this way of being nothing
Or was it because time was chiming?
And the days were getting shorter
The nights doing what they oughta
No surprises could creep in here
The dark makes them disappear
I am well hidden from the world
I tuck my head in it won’t be spoiled,
With the everyday marching ahead
It’s why I don’t want to leave my bed
Stay under the covers all the time
hoping the day goes away from mine
and your ways of looking outwards.
The silence was beyond being awkward
When I emerge and destroy the paper
I am writing on with a poem proper.
I write them but they are well hidden
From the moment they are born
Inside my head and to the well worn
Keyboard or pen, each word from me
Is splashed in the open air calmly.
Did I need to be hidden all these years
Hiding like my father, shedding no tears
As he passed into another realm unknown,
How could I have copied his well renowned
Hiding in a shed at the bottom of the garden
Hiding until his last day arrived and then
No more, he is now well and truly hidden.
In fields of daisies there are delights
That entice me back into the light
I look for the butterfly and the bee
They constantly fly right passed me.
But the caterpillar is well hidden
Waiting for its day before heaven
Where it flies all around hidden places
Going passed the familiar faces.
Is this where the rhythm I seek
Has always been, I am so weak
As to not understand the living way.
I don’t speak much everyday,
The tongue remains quiet and still
I want my life beyond free will
Where the energy is used wisely
Where I’m not saying – Surprise me!
When I’m deep inside my coffin
The mourners won’t see me within
They won’t know if I’m really there
Being well hidden is all I can bear,
I am the reluctant soulful hermit
Who hides almost out of habit.
When I was at school I blended
Into the grey, wishing it was ended
Invisible was my usual dearest wish
I am well hidden, but not a cold fish
In the moments that I do emerge
Meaning floods the floors submerges
All those days I was without me
Washes them into the boiling sea
I’m well hidden not wanting to be
Not knowing how to escape, be free
Of the restraints that are all around me.
I am well hidden
Did I do this for some good reason?
Am I a target now out of season.
This earthly plain is presented
As there is only this, pretended
Living down a deep well hidden

Not Guilty

Not guilty m’lud after all
She was only a child small
So very young and naive,
Those days she now grieves.

Regular slaps with verbal abuse
Her mother with routine misuse
Would rule her life of pain
she’d get hit again and again.

Throughout her childhood confusion
As she didn’t know what she’d done,
To get the punishment severe
But she felt guilt through the tears.

The child assumed she was at fault
“why else would mother hit me?
I am such a bad girl really”
She thought I must do what I ought.

Now she lives with pain in her heart
Wondering just what actual part
Did she play in deserving a beating,
She was getting the devil’s meeting.

She grew up alongside the violence
As though it was a natural part of life
She matured, held the pain in silence
Her first male attacker was her strife.

He was like a beast he acted even worse
Attacking a woman who is weaker
Leaving her full of bruises is beyond verse
A brute not a man and a woman-hater.

Occasions of violent submission were hers
Ending a relationship through being raped,
A narcissistic sociopath was her curse
A sub-human who thought himself as great.

Inflicting the worse kind of cruel violence
Sent stabs of guilt pain and grief into her
She has a black hole in her heart once
She parted from the worse kind of raper.




II

The puzzle for me is how could he do so
Much violence to such a kind and caring soul?
She does not have a bad bone in her body
To take advantage this way, scum must he be.

The woman recognises the abuser is not aware
Of the damage he has done, he doesn’t care
He feels he has done nothing wrong, mistake!
This shows he is a psychopath on the make.

He is lucky to escape a possible life sentence
There is no excuse for rape, nor any defence,
It is on a similar level as murder in seriousness,
To carry on contacting his victim is senseless.

He has no regard nor love for his victim
For such a person is incapable of loving
Anyone but himself, my level of loathing
Says killing him would be too good for him.

Never Mind, It’s Not Due

I just missed jumping on the bus
But I have the wrong trousers on
So I let it go passed me really
Crossing the tracks so early in the day
Never mind it is not due
Sad old hag on the line
I won’t wait for another bus
The embarrassment is too much,
I have inkwells in my pockets
They are filled with feathers
What do I do with them – red faced am I
Never mind it is not due,
But etching in the sand will never do
Because each character is only half seen
My ears are full of ice cream
And my desk wants to sail away at noon
But the sails are not ready
Besides I have lost my compass
So I will go Sainsbury’s instead
I will make a nest in the middle of my bed
And invite the pigs in for a party,
Did I really have my hair with a middle parting
Never mind it is not due
But then neither is the glue
When it is stuck inside the tube
I have given my television
A nice set of floral curtains
To match my thinning hair
Well, that is what I think, I don’t care
There are beetroot stains on my underwear
Don’t ask me,
I don’t know how they arrived there
Sitting in the sky avoiding the kites
I laughed out loud
The trees joined in too
My shirt has baked bean sauce all over them
I am not amused
I take off my clothes and sing the National Anthem
Saluting as a I go
Never mind it is not due.
With pencil gripped in the wrong hand
I am poised to spew
Out words that are anchored in anger
In deepest rancour I spit out the words
I drive my car into the buttercup field
And I briefly watch the lovers
I turn away looking for sanctuary
There is an oak with green tassles
Beckoning to me
“Turn on your smile, ignore the hassles”
What? This tree is talking to me,
Too many pills that is the cause
Songs were seeping from behind my back
I really must find my new desk
It is somewhere out to sea
I need the shipping forecast beneath me
In straw hat cane in hand I hear Leon sing
Ain’t Misbehavin’ now there’s a thing
Ain’t possible because I only want to sing,
I have a ladder in my inside pocket
I am going to paint the Pope black
See how he likes that
Never mind it is not due.
No new prescription for me
It is too much trouble anyway,
There are songs attached to my feet
I lift each one and a different lyric I can see
Meet me on the corner, treat me,
There are verses in my hair
What the hell are they doing there
I will place each one where they belong
Each with their own rhythm sublime
I am gardening with my teeth
But it is taking too long I will nod out
On this string of white powder
Never mind it is not due,
Did I write to myself today,
Must be a bad memory,
My toes are like bright torches
Showing me the way in to the darkness
I am whistling, hands in pockets
Nonchalantly without a care
Touching each bud on the rose tree
I praise their effort and they believe me
never mind it is not due,
this treasure we call air
might one day disappear
watch out be careful
don’t let the bastards take it away.
I can’t use plastic daffodils
As love tokens for Christ sake
What was I thinking of – oh the insult,
Maybe they should be plastic red roses
My calendar suddenly caught fire
I just stared in awe, drooling.
Each cigarette was painted in bright pink
But when lit they turned green
Strangest thing I have ever seen
With my calculator in my hand
Mobile phone in my mouth
I feel I am now ready to take on the world
God forbid, are you just talking nonsense?
Never mind it is not due

Afterwards

You can put your money down and take away your useless goods
At leisure you ruminate over what you have acquired, afterwards,
Did I? With a smile withering from my lips, I asked the question.
Give me back the time I have used buying so many things unused,
Dance in the fires of anguish over the worth of what I now own.

I have raided my bank and used up all the funds, there is no payback.
I have gone into overdraft – I’m watching the balance go into negative
Listen to the sound of shillings and crowns spin out of control, no lack
Of the chinking of coins, never counted correctly piled into hessian sacks
Afterwards, I was not counting up the use of money just its evaporation.

Queuing in bank lines irritated by the tellers slow progress, the day went by
Was the waste really worth it, who can tell, stacks of golden coins gleamed
The attraction of wealth became an uncontrolled drug and we mainline
The consequences of pursuing the feeling of being well healed, clings
To the way to explain why the pursuit of wealth vomits, slighted credits.

Down in the vaults where people swim in the seas of making money
There are people who spend every day and every hour making lucre
With computers attached to their penises erections sporadically occur
With semen dripping from each bank note satisfaction was accomplished
It was a love affair made out of necessity and perverse expectation.

Afterwards when all the money dissolved into misery, sweepers cried
They stacked the remnants of the cash into the bank manager’s office,
Ordered from the building each sweeper was forced to reveal their profits,
It was not a self decision, it was imposed upon them they bled balances
They wished the piles were so much larger, more colourful and useful.

Money markets, are not like covered markets in the middle of towns,
Ordinary people sort through the goods they want to put their money down
The money lenders in the temples stood back amazed coins everywhere
Get the bastard who over turned the tables, crucify the fucker they cried
Money is their life their blood their reason for getting up every morning.

Stone faced billionaires rejoiced when money was ejaculated into their coffers
Filthy sounding words accompanied their joy they relaxed into a climax
Such is love of money, keeping people shackled to wasting their time,
For fucks sake they can not take it with them when they entered their demise,
There is no such thing as spiritual cash, but such wealth is better to accumulate.

The definition of money love is to speculate to accumulate, but money hatred
Was the spur for condemnation by clergy, they did not need they pretended,
Living in four bedroomed house rent free, council tax relief and no landlord,
Why pretend to despise money when being propped up for credit and more,
Hypocrisy lies down in the sun trying to create a new colour skin and hair.

Scraping a living, using the benefits prison, taking away pride and promise,
Where is the hope applying for meagre “hand outs”, can you stand this?
Poverty eats at the very soul laying waste to what was planned – expected,
Doled out support that has strings attached, a contract of dire oppression.
Feeling hemmed in the recipient feels diminished, shelved humiliated.

Find a space from where you want your money to be collected,
Don’t tell your relatives just how much you are worth, rejected
Their interest is sterling shaped, they are waiting for an activated
Will where sharing your body worth by tradition is separated,
Your death could release worth, but then who is counting ?

Living In a Jar

Hey there, I am living in a jar
Does that mean we are all far
Away in some other cupboard
In the dark of the closed door?
Try as I might I cannot prise
It open not without some aid
Try as I might I look for some
But I can see help it was not made
For me – in abject sadness
I put aside all notions of escape
I continue to live inside this jar
I can’t remember how I came here!
try as I might the memory has disappeared
It’s been scratched from inside my soul
I lean upon the glass looking outwards
Is this where I pray for a change
Have I been waiting for a cue or what?
I am on my knees, hands clasped
Wishing I was no longer imprisoned
Inside my own head where splinters grow
From past smashed glass, why don’t they go?
I don’t want them they slow my progress
They poison my new life, it is not necessary
Nor wanted, nor needed nor desired by me.
Living in a jar is no picnic
It destroys love before it is born
And sucks my life until I am worn.
Is this compulsory punishment
For something I have not even done?
No matter for I have punished myself
Roughly about a thousand times over.
I am not satisfied unless I inflict pain
Upon myself in every possible way
I take out my heart and slice it into thin
Pieces and feed it to the birds and fishes,
I take out my brain and chop it into squares
Give them to the local dogs home,
I take my eyes and squash them.
For I no longer need any of these parts
Living in a jar.
Living in a jar, I can’t talk to anyone
And they can’t hear me anyway,
There is no phone nor microphone
Anyway what can I say living the way I do
Away from everyone and everything
If I could speak what would I talk about?
How I hate living in a jar, no doubt!

It’s Like Talking to the Devil

Vintage illustration of from an 18th Century Chapbook. English Folklore, Mother Shipton, Ursula Southeil an English soothsayer and prophetess. Talking with a Witch, Devil and warlock flying brooms
I hear you say - are you a psychopath, am I a psychopath?
You have trodden on my heart and scooped it out
And taken it in your hands and thrown it all about.
The jackboots you used upon me bruised my soul,
You left marks upon me: but I wanted to be whole.

Destruction was the name of your game, I can tell
You used and abused my soft heart and sent me to hell.
You took advantage of my generous caring ways
And gave me the blows, the shouts: I was so afraid,
Fear is the very core of my being, for certain.

I know deep down your reasons were only trite excuses
You used the chains of fear and took advantage
You were to be king over my dented half truth life
I was putty willingly in your pitiless grasp and fist
You sent strange messengers to my brain covered in mist.

At first I could not hear the messages said
It was like entering the garden of paradise, dead!
You made me ask the question, what is the fucking point,
This is no way to live, sure was no way to die, in joint
Misunderstanding and mis-directed threats and cajoles.

I was used and abused by those who I thought loved me,
I was so badly taken in by charmers in sheep’s clothing
I was prey to the wolves, who wanted to eat my brain
I bear the inner scars: I am not letting happen to me again
I wish only to jump ship and take to the waves of uncertainty.

I want to find a desert island somewhere that would protect me
I don’t need or deserve this kinda shit, no way, no how,
I am my own person, I want to live well always and now
I did not come into this world to be someone else’s plaything
Nor do I want to be a punchbag, a skivvy or a slave to your whims.

Circumstances has been my keenest low companion,
String me along, locked in chains, like carrion
Lying in a field helpless with no way to ward off beaks and claws
I was left lying in tears bewildered, but what is the cause?
I cried a thousand rivers that flooded my perceptions.

I called out loud to God to relieve me, he was not listening!
I battled the devils that railed horribly against me
Through the tears I saw distorted faces I didn’t want to see.
Through it all I hung in there determined to win,
Against outrageous misfortune, at least I am still breathing.